Monday, July 5, 2010

How Did I Get Here Pt. 2...

It is undeniable that we simply don’t get to where we are without a history. It’s not rocket science really. We all have a history, and we have all been shaped by that history, despite our own awareness of it. There are a collection of events in our lives that have contributed to the way we think, feel, behave and respond. Hopefully as you read, you will find some correlation to your own life, and maybe you will also find some consolation in knowing that you are not alone. Even more so, I hope that I can share some lessons from my own life, in hopes that God can use them to help others soak up knowledge from my failures and triumphs to be used for His glory. I am not a psychologist, licensed therapist, social worker, pastor, or any of the like. I am simply a child of God, whose life has been transformed by his unstoppable power and amazing grace, willing to unlock my past and share my life in hopes that someone else can begin to grasp the power of an Almighty God.
So, now that you have become familiar with a small portion of my past (from Pt. 1 of How did I Get Here), the question stands: How have those events contributed to the way I think, feel, behave and respond? The answer to that question could lead us beyond infinity…
So I will begin with the solitary obsession of every woman; the one thing that we, as women, desire more than anything in this world. The single thing, that when not given to us or shown us properly as a young girl, will escort us into a vile and vicious soul searching that always, always ends in agony and despair unless that searching leads us to the heart of God. This one thing is LOVE. It is the essence of a woman through and through. The desire for love penetrates very deep in the heart of woman. Depending upon her past, she may give her heart freely without reservation and the recipient will be the most blessed man on earth, or she will construct walls around her wounded heart, forbidding love to cross the threshold that she has come to protect so diligently.
So how does the latter happen? Without any knowledge of their existence, the walls close in and the real woman inside of us, the woman we were meant to be, becomes desperately hidden behind that fortress. How do we get to a point in our lives where we believe the lies about ourselves, about our hearts? Believe the lie that we have to protect ourselves and wall in our hearts so that we don’t feel pain again. Or believe the lie that we have to obtain love and the way to obtain it is through sex and giving away the most sacred part of our being. We don’t do this consciously of course. In fact, most of us are not even aware that we believe such fallacy. Oh had I only known it was deceit. If only I had known that I have an enemy who has a vested interest in using every shred of my fragmented past to thrust me into a deep, bottomless pit, almost to the point of no return. Any enemy that was and is out to devour me (...your enemy, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. I Peter 5:8)
I have come to understand, in retrospect, that when we, as daughters, are not loved and affirmed by our father, something devastating happens inside of us. A part of us dies and we begin to search for that love and affirmation from wherever we can obtain it. As previously determined, my father was not capable of loving me faithfully because of a prison sentence that he endured during the most impressionable time of my life. My step father loved me during that same time, improperly and immorally. At fifteen, I began to have physical relationships that always ended in despair. I honestly and naively, approached premature sexual relationships with the belief that lasting love would come of it. What happened instead is that every relationship ended, usually pretty quickly, and I began to believe, more and more that men were not to be trusted. I already had the notion of that belief from my experiences with my father and step father. By the time I was 20, I began a relationship with a man that I came to love deeply; or as deeply as was capable for me. When I discovered him in bed with another woman, I was devastated and once again, I was proven right. Men were not to be trusted. I guess I had decided somewhere in the realm of my subconscious that I was never going to be vulnerable again. I’m not sure when it happened really. Probably long before that relationship. Instead, I became promiscuous; as friendly as one could be on the outside, but as hard as a rock on the inside. I had no indication, not a hint of evidence that clued me in to what was happening to me on the inside. In fact, I didn’t discover the truth until several years after my divorce where I found myself broken, wounded and completely ruined emotionally. You see, I ended up in this predicament, a single parent raising three boys on my own, not because of my husband, although he played his part. I ended up here because I was so desperate for love, the right kind of love that I said yes without any consideration to the strength or health of our relationship. I said yes because we already had a child together out of wedlock, another symptom of my emotional state, and I considered it the right thing to do. I said yes because the walls to my heart were so high, and my heart had become so hardened that I believed this was the best there was for someone like me. I said yes without ever considering what God may have planned for me. My perception of love was so distorted. I was incapable of making a reasonable decision. Of course this is all in hind sight. At the time of my divorce, it was his mistakes that got us there. I had done nothing wrong. I was getting divorced and it was his responsibility, not mine, yet another symptom of my emotional state of mind.
So, how did I get here? I got here because of a false belief about love and a wrong response within my heart. I got here because I have an enemy who convinced me to believe those fallacies until they became so deeply ingrained that they became a part of who I was. So much so that even years after my freedom from bondage, I still struggle with them. I know the truth, but the lies try desperately to sneak back in. Satan knows my weakness; woman’s weakness. The truth is that kind of love can only be found in one place. My heart, and yours, can only be protected by one person. When we build those walls around our heart, our heart becomes a place that welcomes no one, not even the one Prince that can rescue us and truly love us. You see, love is patient and kind not unwilling and cruel as I had learned. Love is not proud and does not boast, but humble and modest. I was anything but. It is not rude or self-seeking yet everyone I had come in close contact with was one or the other, if not both. Love is not easily angered. I was justifiably about as angry as any one person could be. Love does not delight in evil, as my step father had shown me; yet it rejoices in the truth, as I have now become acquainted with through the great love and mighty power of Christ Jesus. So it doesn’t end there; in the pit of despair. For me, it ends in a saving knowledge of the One who loves me unconditionally. It ends with the One who set me free from the lies. It ends with the One who has healed my heart and knows it more intimately than anyone ever will. It ends with Jesus. But it doesn’t end there. It has just begun…


germaine(aka allemao) said...

Thank you (again) Allison,

Every woman walking the planet should read these words. I cried out to God just last week for Him to release me from the sometimes irrational frustration that clouds my thinking. I'm going to share this with my adult girlfriends, but it'll also be the most important piece of summer reading for my daughter. God's using you in a mighty way! Please keep preaching.

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